Listening to the Voices in my Head

The Lord of the Manor has passed

Loki, my beautiful cat, has crossed the rainbow bridge. We took him to the vet this evening, in hopes that some antibiotics and pain meds would ease his discomfort for a little while longer, but alas, that wasn't meant to be.

The cancer had spread very rapidly and was now over the back of his tongue. It was only because I asked him that he ate yesterday. That was his last 'rally'. The sarcoma was not only infected by necrotic. All there would be left for Loki was slow, painful starvation. I made the decision, as much as my heart and soul screamed for me to take him home with me just for a few more days.

We were given a room. I combed him into blissful relaxation, and waved for the vet to enter when she ever so gently knocked.  The 'sleep' shot... it wasn't even halfway emptied and his head fell into my hand. I cupped it until the rest of it was injected. 

He has no more pain now, but I am shattered.  I want my imperious Lord of the Manor, on my desk, demanding to be brushed. 

If only love could actually have healed.

I did a bit of reading

I read that mini series on Apple+ was an Apple+ original.

I read what the mini series was and said Whohuhwha?

Said Apple+ Original was the same thing I had watched on Curiosity stream.

That's not very Apple+ original to me. How about you?

Loki is dying. Medication he's on is slowing the progression of the cancer.  But I did something stupid this morning.

I opened photo editing browser and began looking at his photos, starting from about 3 years ago. I was looking for anything that I might have missed, that I could have caught and had treated sooner before it became sarcoma.

I come across photos of him laying his head on my shin, and giving me a look of pure contentment, and I lost it. I remember how many times he would be upset that I had to get up and move. And also, how many times I would get annoyed.  He hasn't been doing it lately, and I miss it.  Then it hit me that I will soon be missing it forever.

Yeah, me, tough-assed bitch, falling apart over a cat. No, not just any cat, but my cat.

Loki is dying. Medication he's on is slowing the progression of the cancer.  But I did something stupid this morning.

I opened photo editing browser and began looking at his photos, starting from about 3 years ago. I was looking for anything that I might have missed, that I could have caught and had treated sooner before it became sarcoma.

I come across photos of him laying his head on my shin, and giving me a look of pure contentment, and I lost it. I remember how many times he would be upset that I had to get up and move. And also, how many times I would get annoyed.  He hasn't been doing it lately, and I miss it.  Then it hit me that I will soon be missing it forever.

Yeah, me, tough-assed bitch, falling apart over a cat. No, not just any cat, but my cat.

Loki is dying. Medication he's on is slowing the progression of the cancer.  But I did something stupid this morning.

I opened photo editing browser and began looking at his photos, starting from about 3 years ago. I was looking for anything that I might have missed, that I could have caught and had treated sooner before it became sarcoma.

I come across photos of him laying his head on my shin, and giving me a look of pure contentment, and I lost it. I remember how many times he would be upset that I had to get up and move. And also, how many times I would get annoyed.  He hasn't been doing it lately, and I miss it.  Then it hit me that I will soon be missing it forever.

Yeah, me, tough-assed bitch, falling apart over a cat. No, not just any cat, but my cat.

And the universe winds up, and throws another curveball

I can understand why I wasn't told earlier.  Seems my neighbors who were renting their house 'for a while' won't be coming back to Perth. There have already been realtors bugging Robin about letting someone have a walk through. I understand why, but hey, I am going to have a selfish moment and have a bit of a sob-fest.

I've lost all my friends in the U.S., I guess it's time for the ones in Australia to slowly fade away.

Pardon me, I will be the quivering ball of hopeless humanity in the corner.

You know those clothes you say

You'd never be caught dead in?  Well, I have some like that. More like had.  Been throwing them out bit by bit.  Been replacing them with thing I can actually wear. And wear out in public.

Al least I can say if I am caught dead in something I'm wearing, it will at least look good-ish

Isn't that just dandy

LiveJournal doesn't allow photo uploads to photostream via Semagic or Open Live Writer anymore.  And if you link a photograph in from a different blog, the colors are so washed out and dingy, they look like shit.

I can understand why a Russia owned blogging site will no longer allow uploads via 3rd party blogging software, but when I uploaded a photo to LJs photostream, and it turned out having the same washed out colors, it seems they don't want any photos uploaded?

Trance is gone.

Vet said it looks as if she had a new hemangiosarcoma mass in her liver that ruptured, and she bled internally. We were told this might happen, and we wouldn't know until it was too late. We didn't know. And it was too late.

Photo taken two days ago.

Rest in the arms of Bast.

I had to call South Street Vet.

Loki got a bit of food stuck on his back teeth, and bit down, biting his tongue. Yes, it bled.  Then I noticed he's sneezing, and checked him. Sure enough, the yearly sinus infection.

Dr M answered the phone, and I described what had happened, and thankfully, he understood my not wanting to stress Loki out any more than necessary.  Have new meds waiting for him.  

I know everything we're doing for him is in 'the short term', but at 16 years old, everything is in the short term.

I know this sounds gross, but it works.

If because of over load of drool because of the medication, or just difficultly in his picking up something to eat, I dump the bits of beef into a paper towel, and blot the slobber off of them, and wipe dish, replace beef bits and he eats them all. And Dr M did say the length of time left is linked to his being able to eat.  #felinecancersucks

Pardon me if this post is a tad rambling

Or sort of incoherent.

Three days ago, my left calf, and behind my knee, and hamstring, and my annoying fused back started hurting a lot. I wasn't worried, because I had an upcoming visit with the physio, "Simon The Sadist" for a session.

To say my physio session rushed would be an understatement.  Yes, they were trying to clear up all clients before the up coming long holiday, and he, personally, was taking some time off. Good for him, but I felt I had been given the bums' rush. And I was charged $61 for the privilege.

Today, when I got up, I was in worse shape than I was BEFORE session. Tried to do some of my rehab exercises, and for all my efforts, I almost fell over, my knee kept giving out. I left comment on the "PhyApp" regarding it.. before I took something for the pain. Meds I haven't had to use October last year.

Yes, I hurt that f*cking much. With better living through (legal) chemistry, the acute pain is now just a dull ache. I can deal with that.