Listening to the Voices in my Head

You know those clothes you say

You'd never be caught dead in?  Well, I have some like that. More like had.  Been throwing them out bit by bit.  Been replacing them with thing I can actually wear. And wear out in public.

Al least I can say if I am caught dead in something I'm wearing, it will at least look good-ish

Back, I say, back!

I have beaten the black beast of depression back a bit.  The hellidays being over had helped immensely.  I still have depression, and seeing the appropriate people regarding it, but it doesn't feel like it's on a runaway, downhill rollercoaster ride to hell. 

I've been taking a little time for myself. When I do my 10 minute rehab walk, I listen to an audio book. I continue to listen to it until it's time to do something else (lunch, or dinner). 

Still tired, as sleep is touch and go, but when I do sleep well, it's either 5 hours or 10. IF it's 10 hours I do wake up refreshed.  This means I have to go to bed fairly early so Alan and Wing can get their "let's play with the cats on the bed, and talk to mom.".  At least they get the message when I get ready to put on my sleep mask.

Was getting ready for the day

Which includes session with my counselor, and had included session with Simon the Sadist. His session has been rescheduled at Wing 's convenience.

But as I was getting ready, I heard a slight scrabbling in the back of the closet. I irrationally looked at the Keito cuddle clone, looked back at where the noise was coming from, said his name and the clothing started to part. I have to admit for the briefest of moments, my illogical brain thought Keito was coming out from beneath the hanging clothes.  It wasn't of course, it was Groo-bear. I looked back at the cuddle clone, and burst into quiet tears. Quiet because if I make so much as a peep, I get helicoptered.

Stayed in room for about 15 minutes. It's been not even 4 years since an arrogant vet gave me the wrong instructions, even though I had asked him more than twice "Are you sure?"

Façade of sanity re-establish, but the shell is thin. Very thin

Every time I think about calling it quits

Something small, probably insignificant to everyone else in the world, happens.  Maybe it's seeing a bird singing his heart out at the start of the day.  The smell of something in bloom. My cat Loki climbing up for a cuddle

I made it through the hell that's called "The Holidays". It's so hard to keep a happy smiling demeanor plastered on my face, or the look of interest in what someone is talking about.

It's fucking hard. But at least the stress of November through December social shit is over. I need to decompress. I need to sleep. I need to talk to someone who won't dismiss my feelings and mental state as 'just the blues'.  If I have the blues, their fucking indigo.

I *was* feeling somewhat better

Referring to the depression and self-loathing.  After having my session with counselor, AND the appointment and discussion with Dr N regarding my not being able to lose weight, and the solution, I was feeling optimistic, even happy.

The around comes Sunday lunch with MiL.  I didn't eat much of my noodle dish, brought most of it home in a container.  But as we were getting ready to leave, I could hear the man and his woman/partner/wife talking behind me.

"Oy, look at the size of that one. Be careful, she might sit on you."  I turn around and he and his woman are looking me up and down, laughing.  I so wanted to go up to him and say "Like YOU'RE some fucking prize.", but good manners won out and I just had Wing get me out of there as fast as I could go, because I wasn't going to let those two rude pieces of shit see me cry.

Current mood: Depressed.

I survived the weekend

Now I get to muddle through the weekdays.  That's not to say it's going to be all bad. I have some optimism.  There are so many idiotic anti-vaxxers that keep holding super spreader event.

The kittens have grown so much. Drax is almost Loki's shoulder height. That's what Wing get for uttering the curse "He will never get as big as Loki." Groo is also packing on the ounces.  He passed pounds a few weeks ago.  They are both growing to be sweet, friendly, beautiful kitties.

I haven't been stir crazy like others have. Might have something to do with my knee not being fully functional, making walking an unpleasant past time. Filling my time watching really cheesy movies. Binge watched "The Witcher" season 2.  Also watched some thing on National Geographic channel.  And to those assholes that killed that lion pride that were in the national park/reserve, including 8 cubs, may your precious cows sicken and die.

I tried watching comedy, but the people were like automatons for me. Almost like really crappy CGI.  So, sticking to sloppy movies, that didn't even make it to cinemas.  A few of them were actually ok. Who would have thunk it?

Time might keep slipping into the future

But I seem to stuck in neutral.

Next episode of what passes as my life

Yesterday, I saw Mr. S, the osteo surgeon who replaced my worn out right knee.  The right knee replacement is great, and even though I still have some pain from the operated on compartment syndrome, all is ok with it.

Left knee..  *sigh*  bends back and forth ok, but it also moves left to right too easily.  That means the osteo-arthritis is getting worse, and I'm losing knee stability.  And today, unlike other times, my left knee fekking HURTS.  Have compression/support bandage on it.  Between that and pain meds, I'm able to walk somewhat normally.  I did have to order another compression bandage, as the velcro on the one I'm using is worn out and tends to let go.  So, the time of LTKR is coming closer. Just not yet.

Today was appointment with D, my counselor.  Because of pain meds, I was all over the place.  But I was able to focus on the one thing that is stressing me out;  tomorrow, Trance and Loki get home visit by the vet, and Loki gets boxed up to get his teeth cleaned. He really needs it, as he has really bad breath.  If the vet that gave wrong advise that caused Keito's death shows up, I will show him the door.  Call out fee be damned.

Also, discussed the possibility of getting another purrkid.  She said the way we love animals, and how much they mean to us, there is probably no way we won't, when we're heart healed and read, get another rescue or two.  I personally would love a 'house panther', or maybe a bonded pair looking to be re-homed together.  Just not yet... not ready. I, and Loki, are still in mourning over Keito's sudden death.

Holiday Cheer?

I'm trying to get into it, I really am. But it's more stressful than cheerful. I miss being around family. I know I have Wing and Alan here, but there's Paul and the children, my cousin Mark, Marilyn and Rob... I miss my Aunt Elnore, and Uncle Al.

I probably wouldn't be feeling as bummed out if things had gone differently this year, but for me, I can't wait until it's back to business as usual. And business wasn't so great, but there wasn't all this saccharine smiling going on all the time.

I had a good long talk to my GP

I had a good long talk to my GP regarding my upcoming MHTP. Baring's one soul and life is an exhausting process. I had Wing there, with the pre-warning to NOT take any of it personally.

After explaining childhood, and how I was treated and raised, it was surprising I'm as well adjusted as I am (that should clue you to the f**ked up childhood I had). I told him about my 6+ month drunk I went on after my sister died, and how after one morning, I woke up with a pounding head, a nasty taste in my mouth, and my sister was still dead... and I just stopped. I took alternating hot and cold showers, up-ended the booze bottles into the sink and just stopped.

Took me a few days to feel entirely human, but I managed it. Dr H said it showed just what a strong personality, and person I was, and I have a very good chance of beating this.

I talked about how I felt guilty, angry, and then guilty for being angry regarding Wing. Guilty because of all he has had to take on that I can't do, then angry because and I can't do it, and the depression part of my brain tells me he showing off, then guilty for thinking that. It's truly a vicious cycle.

So, Ignore the feelings, and think: Is it really a good idea for me to be handling sharp cooking knives, or being around boiling water at this time? Oh HELL no, so THANK you Wing for doing the cooking. (this is just one example)

I have been giving, and been using, tools and methods to put the brakes on the cycle. Doesn't always work, but of often enough to make a difference.

#depression