Listening to the Voices in my Head

55 minutes and one day later

It was a very deep, gut punch session with D.  She did say that it's very common for people who are depressed to get worse. The challenge for me is how much worse.

I told her this Helliday season was the worst since the year I became an only child, because at least I had my family around me, and did feel as if I was alone in a crowd, as I felt this year.  Wing apologized for me not being happy. It's not his job to do that, and it's what's going on in me, not him. 

I talked with Alan over lunch, and it felt good to talk to member of the family, without judgment.  No one saying "Oh, you just got the blues."

Yeah, Alan really loves me.

I know, odd preamble to a post. I'm getting new glasses, but until I get them, I tend to close my left eye, and watch a movie, or show on the right monitor. So, I was in my chair, watching a show, left eye closed, and Wing comes to the door, which is to my left. I could hear him back away slowly.

A short while later, I paused the show, went out to the kitchen and told Wing that I was awake, and told him I was awake. He said it looked like I was asleep. Alan said it's easy to tell the difference. If I wasn't snoring, I was awake.

Yeah, Alan really loves me.

If it's not one thing, it's another

Where do I start...  keeping up with exercise therapist. Even though my left leg has altered sensation, the equipment being used, a reformer aka pilates machine, makes the muscles in that leg work, even if I can't feel it.  The flaccid, or what used to be flaccid, muscle on the inside thigh just above the knee joint, is starting to resemble the one on my right leg.  Also getting muscle tone in the leg, too. I am usually lamed for a few days afterward.

 
Onto the foot issue: enthesopathy of the plantar fascia.  I can't just have plain ol' normal plantar fasciitis, I have to have the more annoying/difficult one to treat.  Tried taping the foot, and yeah, that did feel better, but can't keep the foot taped forever. Targeted physio exercises weren't helping either.  Saw one podiatrist, and am now wearing 'cushion neutral' shoes. Also, am getting ultrasound shockwave treatment to the heel, itself. Not an entirely pleasant experience, ranging from uncomfortable to painful.  I get to go back next week, and the week following.

Onward: I have manage to vertically fracture my back molar... the same molar I had the root canal. The same molar that holds my bridge.  *sigh*  The back molar and the root splinters/shards have to come out, and I have to have the bridge removed, as the tooth that holds the front of the bridge would get damaged. So, I lose two teeth.  The dentist smoothed the sharp edges that was cutting my cheek and tongue, put a temporary patch.  When things settle down*, I will go in and sacrifice my bridge. (*aka no more 3+ doctor/physio appointments during the week. When it's just one a week, I will go in to have the deed done.)

Saw counselor. I'm a hot mess, but not as bad a hot mess that I was when we first started.  There is something that we discuss, something that keeps circling my thoughts. Good thing my wretched body from the knees down can't comply to those thoughts.

Family is fine, even those in the U.S.  I'm pretty safe where I am.  W.A. Premier believes in science, isn't ignoring or making the doctors information a political challenge. Bored as all hell, but well.

Flotsam, Jetsam and what not

The Covid-19 self isolation/Quarantine has had little or no impact on my life. Who knew that my life has been 'self isolation' since last year? 

Family: All is well! No one sick, no one hurt. Everyone is bored out of their skulls.. well, I'm not totally bored. VR headset is rather entertaining.

My heel, while the foot was taped, was feeling pretty good in the shoes the podiatrist told me to get.  Then, the tape came off, and the right shoe is too big. If I had a lot of money, I'd buy one pair size 9 for the right shoe, and one pair size 9 1/2 for the left shoe. I've tried a few things, with so so results, to stop the shoe from sliding up and down on the back of my heel, and not tied so tight my foot goes numb. Tried wearing thin sport sock under the regular sock, and felt ok at first, but my foot started going numb, no matter how I loosened the laces. Will have to talk to podiatrist, and physio regarding this problem. Am seeing Dr S (osteo surgeon) tomorrow. Will see what he had to say on the matter.

The padding on my chair seat is squished down to the point it feels like I'm sitting on just the frame. Went to Clark Rubber and got a square of memory foam.  It's pretty good, although it does need a bit of beveling on the front edge. It's currently residing in an old, by clean, t-shirt. My butt takes me for the cushioning. :D

Have to say stress levels are rather high. Health issue, and family issues. Wing working from home meaning we had to tiptoe around the house because he was video conferencing, or on a phone call. That also meant no vacuuming, and hoping the washing machine didn't have an unbalanced load. Thankfully, he's back to the office.

The child my eldest put up for adoption got in contact with her father, my son, last year. She got in touch with me earlier this year.  It was great to hear from her.  She is everything a 20 something young woman can be.  Unfortunately she comes with so heavy emotional baggage that I am unable to help her with sorting out.  I've been umm stressed from what she related to me. Stress, for me, causes hemi-dystonic seizures.  I really don't want to zombie myself by going back to three doses a day.  Yes, she is my grand child, but I can't deal with this right now. She is too needy, and clingy.  I'm currently seeing counselor, and that last thing I need is to take on someone else's problems at this time.

My Memorial to Jared Johnson.

My Memorial to Jared Johnson​

I first met Jared, almost 28 years ago, when he was, 17, and the sys-op of "The Cat's Meow" BBS. His handle was RedWolf. Despite our age differences, we did become great friends. He and my oldest son, Paul, were very close, more like brothers than just friends. Alan, my youngest son, called him Uncle Jared.

This friendship held true. When Paul went to CT for vacation, Jared was the one that picked him up at the bus station. And Jared was there again, when Paul moved back up to Connecticut. Jared was there for me when I left an abusive husband.

I moved to NY, and was doing ok, until an injury and job loss threw everything into a tail spin. Because I had no income, I had eviction proceedings, and the state of NY were circling to take Alan away because I would have no home, no food. I made a frantic phone call. Paul and Jared came to NY and picked Alan up and brought him to where his brother lived with Jared, in CT. Those social workers were pissed off because I told them Alan was with his brother. They demanded to know what his name was and where he was. I replied "Paul is an adult, 19 years old, and Alan's legal guardian if in case of my not being able to care for him. I know if you got your hooks into him, it would be a cold chance in hell for me get to him back." Yeah, they were pissed off.

After I got myself squared away, we kept in touch over Yahoo, ICQ and AIM all the time.. well, spare time.

Even when I moved to Australia, we retained that contact. Then AIM vanished, and ICQ for all intents and purposes cacked it, too. Skype came in handy, but the time difference made for interesting schedules for calls.

So, there was Facebook posts, Yahoo (until they shut down) and FB Messenger. He never once mentioned he was ill. Not once. I'm of two minds about that; one, that I wouldn't have been able to do anything to help, and two, I would have moved heaven and earth to see him before left us. Paul said I'm better off remembering him the way he was, in the photo I have of him.

And with much tears, typing through 'salty goggles', is the synopsis of my friendship with Jared. I loved him dearly, as if he were one of my own. My original "Un-Son". I will miss his kindness, his sensitivity, his sense of humor. The world is a less bright place without him here.

Be at peace.

And the hits just keep coming

Jared Johnson, my original Un-Son, who was one of the most gentle, kind, selfless beings to walk the planet, passed away yesterday from esophageal cancer. Paul, my eldest son, contacted me and told me about his passing. He got to see Jared before he died, and got to talk to him. Jared was ready, he was tired.   He was only 44.  He was so selfless, and didn't want anyone to worry,  he didn't let anyone know he was ill, and right until last week was posting cute and funny things on Facebook. To say I am gutted would be an understatement.   I only have one photograph of him, and that is how I will always remember him. Human slave to cats, and a very kind and loving human being.

I will miss him forever.

Not unexpected

Wing 's knee is hurting him more today than it had been in the past few. I was completely unsympathetic this time. His knee was getting and feeling better, he was told by the physio-terrorist to take it easy, what and when he could do exercises , but he stupidly chose to ignore all of that and go his merry. Now, he pays the price.

yeah yeah, all right, I'm not so hard hearted, but he did get a right proper verbal reaming from me, and every time he tried to weasel out of it by trying to rationalize his idiotic behavior.

You know he is hurting

When Wing voluntarily asks for pain meds, you know he is one hurting unit. I told him that we should have hired a car with auto transmission, because the driving a manual and going grocery shopping, then visiting his mom would be doing too much.

I don't get to say this often to him.. but this time, he deserves it. "I told you so."

Set and ready to go

The only problem with Wing being the first on the surgical schedule is the getting up at false dawn. Been up over an hour already.

Did a bit of a walk about through Fremantle, taking photos of the "Projections on High". Might have been a bit too much after me sweeping and cleaning the back yards, partially setting up the pool (consisted of lugging things outside, spreading out ground/brick covers so the folds and wrinkles would smooth out) and doing a ton of chores. Slept really well, although not many hours. Only a wee bit groggy.

Tomorrow is "W.S." day

Wings' Surgery day. Wing goes to have a damaged knee repaired. We have to get up at Dark o'clock tomorrow, to get there early. Will be making sure tablet fully charged, as I have to go with him. He need to have someone there to accompany him to make sure he gets home.

Was planning on having Alan help me set up the pool today, but turns out he had plans. Wanted it set up so Wing would have it to float should he need to relieve the knee. Chances are he wouldn't use it, but it should be available.