Listening to the Voices in my Head

Was getting ready for the day

Which includes session with my counselor, and had included session with Simon the Sadist. His session has been rescheduled at Wing 's convenience.

But as I was getting ready, I heard a slight scrabbling in the back of the closet. I irrationally looked at the Keito cuddle clone, looked back at where the noise was coming from, said his name and the clothing started to part. I have to admit for the briefest of moments, my illogical brain thought Keito was coming out from beneath the hanging clothes.  It wasn't of course, it was Groo-bear. I looked back at the cuddle clone, and burst into quiet tears. Quiet because if I make so much as a peep, I get helicoptered.

Stayed in room for about 15 minutes. It's been not even 4 years since an arrogant vet gave me the wrong instructions, even though I had asked him more than twice "Are you sure?"

Façade of sanity re-establish, but the shell is thin. Very thin

Different brace is good

It goes to mid-thigh, instead of almost into the groin, to mid-calf, with one of the straps above the shelf of the calf, so it can be secured into place.

It has a lockable hinge, which has it's good point and it bad. 

The Good: It keeps my knee from bending, holding it in a straight position, not putting any strain on the injured area.  The hinges can be unlocked, allowing for easier sitting (ie in the car, or in the TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN ROOM)

The Bad: After a while, though, I get itchy under it. The "Bane of Neoprene".  And there's one spot hook end Velcro that chafes on the inside of my right leg if I don't get it on just right.  And it's very tiring to get about. Crutches, cane, they help, but still tiring.

In 9 days, I get an ultrasound guided injection in the joint. Yes, it will have some local anesthetic, but it's still gonna f**king hurt like hell going in.

Why is it everything that is wrong with me and has to be tested/treated, it's in very painful ways? 

And right now, I am a bit 'touchy'.  Anniversary of losing Mister Meow-Gi, aka Keito coming up fast.  My heart still hurts over losing him the way I did. 

Yesterday, I cleaned out "Ziggy's Corner".

I had been putting it off because it felt like I was erasing her. But Ziggy can never be erased, or forgotten.

I moved some of her things, and got into the corner behind the footstool. And in the corner I found at least 20 small batteries. AAs, AAAs, single use, rechargeable.

 
The little wench had been hoarding them! I laughed through the tears as I cleared out her 'treasure trove'.

Now we know why she was always with her butt in the air, on the edge of the footstool, rummaging around in the corner.

What I didn't realize how much having just that much of her history with us cleared away would hurt today.  Finding her toys, some with her fur and scent still on them.

I miss her... and I miss Keito. But I didn't know I'd miss them this much.  Maybe it's because losing two in a month to the day was a bit to take.

Next episode of what passes as my life

Yesterday, I saw Mr. S, the osteo surgeon who replaced my worn out right knee.  The right knee replacement is great, and even though I still have some pain from the operated on compartment syndrome, all is ok with it.

Left knee..  *sigh*  bends back and forth ok, but it also moves left to right too easily.  That means the osteo-arthritis is getting worse, and I'm losing knee stability.  And today, unlike other times, my left knee fekking HURTS.  Have compression/support bandage on it.  Between that and pain meds, I'm able to walk somewhat normally.  I did have to order another compression bandage, as the velcro on the one I'm using is worn out and tends to let go.  So, the time of LTKR is coming closer. Just not yet.

Today was appointment with D, my counselor.  Because of pain meds, I was all over the place.  But I was able to focus on the one thing that is stressing me out;  tomorrow, Trance and Loki get home visit by the vet, and Loki gets boxed up to get his teeth cleaned. He really needs it, as he has really bad breath.  If the vet that gave wrong advise that caused Keito's death shows up, I will show him the door.  Call out fee be damned.

Also, discussed the possibility of getting another purrkid.  She said the way we love animals, and how much they mean to us, there is probably no way we won't, when we're heart healed and read, get another rescue or two.  I personally would love a 'house panther', or maybe a bonded pair looking to be re-homed together.  Just not yet... not ready. I, and Loki, are still in mourning over Keito's sudden death.

I tried

I tried to take the dress I wore during Keito's last moments with me out of the closet to wash.  Even after a month, it smelled like him, and I just burst into tears.  I couldn't do it. I held it to my face, and could smell him. The tears just started rolling. Typing this through salty goggles right now.

I can't bring myself to wash it, just like i can't bring myself to wash the blankets I made a bed out of for him. 

I miss him. 

I miss you.

I miss you. I catch myself watching and waiting for you to come out of your hidey-hole in the closest.  Or waiting for you to come into the bathroom when I'm 'busy', to demand pats and pets. Looking for you in the window, 'solar charging'.

I miss the feel of your light landing on the bed, and the delicate way you would start walking up my foot, ankle, leg, hip, side, to sit on my arm/shoulder to bat and paff me on the cheek, or nose. Or to gently bite my cheek, purring so hard. 

I miss you peeking at me over the curtain, meowing because it was "Time to eat!".  I miss that when you were standing at the side door, you would look at my reflection, right into my eyes, and know that was me, meow to be let out to sit on your cushion. I miss you knocking on the door to be let back in. I miss you meeping at me when I said "Echo, bedroom light on" thinking I was talking to you.

I miss how you never left my side when I was sick, or would stay with me after I got home from being at the hospital, and how you would let me 'cry in your fur' when I was down.

I miss you in a myriad of small ways, that has left a hole in me, that will take a long time to heal.

I miss you.

#keito

Silver linings aren't always great

Had the MRI on my left knee after an exam by Mr S (osteo surgeon)

My silver lining is this: if it wasn't for the lack of sensitivity/feeling in my left leg because of spinal surgery 9+ years ago and the nerve damage occurring when the disc collapsed, requiring said surgery, I would be in considerable pain.

You see, my left knee is bone on bone, with the small exception of an itty bitty piece of meniscus on the outside left of the knee. The weight bearing inside right of the knee.. it's gone.   I also have nothing but serous fluid behind my knee cap.  Yup, I need another knee replacement.

So, my 'silver lining' is preventing me from feeling pain.  Mr S said I would know when it's time.  Right now, I can get around without much of a problem. And since I am still struggling with the nerve pain, and recovery from the surgery for the compartment syndrome, I'm rather grateful for my dead-ish feeling leg.

On happy/sad news, I got a stainless steel bracelet for "Keito's Heart Pendant".   I also had his fur filled pendant engraved with a small ornate K and Ziggy's fur filled pendant engraved with an equally ornate Z.  I'm still crying about the loss of Ziggy and Keito.  Last week, I got tired of waiting for the mythical "time" to be found to help me, so dug a hole in the back yard, sprinkled some of both Keito and Ziggy's ashes in it, and planted a young rosemary shrub.  I cried my eyes out afterward.  I miss them more than I thought I would, especially Keito. 

Keito is home

I've placed the toy mice he would hoard, and the laser pointer that gave him so many hours of play time trying to catch the red bug next to his urn.  My heart is both breaking and numb at the same time. 

RIP Keito

Keito, my 'babykitty', who I have had since he was 5 weeks old, is gone. We helped him cross the rainbow bridge at 11:38pm, October 5, 2019.

This morning is the first time I haven't greeted by him. I wasn't followed into the bathroom, my glasses ear pieces weren't snogged and chewed on, my fingers weren't licked and nibbled on, and my jewelry/watch cheek rubbed on.  I miss his sound, his silky soft fur, and his calm loving personality.

He was mine and I was his.  I feel as if I've had a limb removed, or a big chunk of my heart.  I think part of me has died inside as well.

Keito, aka Mister Meow-Ge, aka The Purrminator isn't well

A few weeks ago, after a bout of chemo therapy, the vet told us to just feed Keito whatever he wanted, when he wanted.   I wish I had known he hadn't read Keith's entire medical history, because that was probably the worst possible instructions to give us.  I thought he knew Keito was diabetic, and instructed accordingly.

What 1 week of following his instructions was Keito going into acute hyperglycemia, on top of being treated for lymphoma. He spent a week at the vet, and he was doing so well. Alert, active, after insulin, and IV glucose, and regular feeding.   But what we weren't told is that what that did to his diabetes is made it uncontrollable.

We have brought him home for the weekend, according to Dr J, to say goodbye, to get or last cuddles and loves in, because she believes Keito is just giving up.

But when we brought him home, he demanded to be fed, and even though he only ate half of the cat food we gave him, he chowed down on the fresh roasted chicken I gave him.  This morning, it was the same routine, my legs swung out of bed, and he was there snogging my toes, meowing, following me into the bathroom, pestering me while I was... umm sitting to pet him, causing him to slide all over the tile floor.

He then followed me out to the kitchen, demanding to be fed, ate about half of the food that was given, but two hours later ate some more.  Then I got some cuddle time with him. Relaxing, purring and drooling.

He's not ready to do, no matter what Dr J thinks or said.  I'm hoping for the best though, but preparing for the worst, in case this bright behavior of his is just the final spark of the loving being  that is our beloved Keito.