Listening to the Voices in my Head

The Lord of the Manor has passed

Loki, my beautiful cat, has crossed the rainbow bridge. We took him to the vet this evening, in hopes that some antibiotics and pain meds would ease his discomfort for a little while longer, but alas, that wasn't meant to be.

The cancer had spread very rapidly and was now over the back of his tongue. It was only because I asked him that he ate yesterday. That was his last 'rally'. The sarcoma was not only infected by necrotic. All there would be left for Loki was slow, painful starvation. I made the decision, as much as my heart and soul screamed for me to take him home with me just for a few more days.

We were given a room. I combed him into blissful relaxation, and waved for the vet to enter when she ever so gently knocked.  The 'sleep' shot... it wasn't even halfway emptied and his head fell into my hand. I cupped it until the rest of it was injected. 

He has no more pain now, but I am shattered.  I want my imperious Lord of the Manor, on my desk, demanding to be brushed. 

If only love could actually have healed.

Loki is dying. Medication he's on is slowing the progression of the cancer.  But I did something stupid this morning.

I opened photo editing browser and began looking at his photos, starting from about 3 years ago. I was looking for anything that I might have missed, that I could have caught and had treated sooner before it became sarcoma.

I come across photos of him laying his head on my shin, and giving me a look of pure contentment, and I lost it. I remember how many times he would be upset that I had to get up and move. And also, how many times I would get annoyed.  He hasn't been doing it lately, and I miss it.  Then it hit me that I will soon be missing it forever.

Yeah, me, tough-assed bitch, falling apart over a cat. No, not just any cat, but my cat.

Loki is dying. Medication he's on is slowing the progression of the cancer.  But I did something stupid this morning.

I opened photo editing browser and began looking at his photos, starting from about 3 years ago. I was looking for anything that I might have missed, that I could have caught and had treated sooner before it became sarcoma.

I come across photos of him laying his head on my shin, and giving me a look of pure contentment, and I lost it. I remember how many times he would be upset that I had to get up and move. And also, how many times I would get annoyed.  He hasn't been doing it lately, and I miss it.  Then it hit me that I will soon be missing it forever.

Yeah, me, tough-assed bitch, falling apart over a cat. No, not just any cat, but my cat.

Loki is dying. Medication he's on is slowing the progression of the cancer.  But I did something stupid this morning.

I opened photo editing browser and began looking at his photos, starting from about 3 years ago. I was looking for anything that I might have missed, that I could have caught and had treated sooner before it became sarcoma.

I come across photos of him laying his head on my shin, and giving me a look of pure contentment, and I lost it. I remember how many times he would be upset that I had to get up and move. And also, how many times I would get annoyed.  He hasn't been doing it lately, and I miss it.  Then it hit me that I will soon be missing it forever.

Yeah, me, tough-assed bitch, falling apart over a cat. No, not just any cat, but my cat.

I had to call South Street Vet.

Loki got a bit of food stuck on his back teeth, and bit down, biting his tongue. Yes, it bled.  Then I noticed he's sneezing, and checked him. Sure enough, the yearly sinus infection.

Dr M answered the phone, and I described what had happened, and thankfully, he understood my not wanting to stress Loki out any more than necessary.  Have new meds waiting for him.  

I know everything we're doing for him is in 'the short term', but at 16 years old, everything is in the short term.

I know this sounds gross, but it works.

If because of over load of drool because of the medication, or just difficultly in his picking up something to eat, I dump the bits of beef into a paper towel, and blot the slobber off of them, and wipe dish, replace beef bits and he eats them all. And Dr M did say the length of time left is linked to his being able to eat.  #felinecancersucks

I feel as if I have been awake for days

It was an emotional day. We found out that Meloxicam is Loki's best course at this time. It will reduce the swelling of the ulcer, and kill the pain.  It's working if his wanting to be fed several times a day since being on a regular dose schedule. He's also been climbing up on me for a cuddle, which he hadn't done in weeks.

I had been holding it together since Loki's cancer diagnosis. I lost that 'tough stuff' shell yesterday. Just saying his name and the tears started. Once they started, it was really difficult to get them under control, so I didn't try. My body feel so sore. Amazing how much of your musculature is involved in crying.

That's about all. I am going to take it easy today. Not that I really have a choice. Just doing the dishes makes me want to take a nap

What a difference just one second makes

I went to chop up Loki's food, as his gums are still sore from the dental scaling. Put the cat food in the receptacle, applied stick blender,  but just for one second longer than needed.  It turn the cubes of cat food into mush. Oops

So, that means one of two things:

1: Beef is tough

2: Turkey is more tender.

The shock of Loki's cancer diagnosis has passed... sort of

We can't go reading more than what is normal cat behavior as something nefarious. 

Yes, we knew at 16 years old, our time with Loki is limited, but we didn't expect the time to be so cruelly pushed forward in such a manner.  The thing is, he doesn't know he's ill. And for as long as he is not in pain, still doing all things a cat does, he will be loved and cared for.

Anyone with a pet knows that someday, that pet will break their hearts. I even said it to "Arty" (his name before he earned his name) when I first cradled him in my arms. "One day, you're going to break my heart."  Not broken yet, but there are cracks. And they hurt.

I think we might be living over a radioactive site

I bring Loki to the vet for a dental scaling, and am rewarded with the knowledge that he has aggressive non-squamous cell cancer under his tongue, not just an infected cut as the vet thought it was.

I am fucking gutted over this.  Yes, I know Loki is 16 years old, but he is HEALTHY. Heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, all the things that are supposed to start failing are as healthy as a 10 year old cat. What's the fucking good of being healthy?

I have no idea how the young'uns are going to handle it. Groo and Drax have glommed onto Loki, as he has never done anything to hurt them, and has even licked their faces clean. 

Dr M said it's just bad luck to have 4 cats, with 4 different kinds of terminal cancer.

We will have to play this by ear. Since this tumor can't be totally removed, how about removing part of it when it makes eating difficult?  I know that would be a stop gap, but as long as he's eating, sleeping, grooming, purring, just being a cat, I want to give him as much quality time as I can, and me enough time to try to come to terms with this... if I ever will.

The art of the polite, and public, complaint

I had been wrangling (textually) with PetCover regarding Loki's lumpectomy. And after many of what I took to be (and were) condescending and patronizing replies, I let my fingers do the walking, and gave them a 1 star rating on Google Review, and with out rancor I typed up the time line of everything that happened.

Someone from the parent company replied, but I hadn't bothered to read it.

Next day, I got a phone call from M***. He told me this entire mess was because he has misread my email, thought I wanted it canceled. Not only is Loki's insurance reinstated (with handy dandy monthly installments instead of huge lump sum) but a huge hunk of change was rebated from his lumpectomy.

I am very satisfied with this outcome, but why the heck didn't they do this at the outset, instead of leaving me in tears over them canceling Loki's policy, then denying the claim?  Well, we are all human and make mistakes, and I for one am grateful to M*** for getting this tangled mess straightened out. Thank you.

Loki is recovering faster than I am.

He had surgery on his hock/ankle. I had surgery on my knee. Two weeks later, he's walking around and the only evidence of surgery is the very short furred area that had to be shaved.

Me? 7 weeks on and I still have to use a cane around the house, and crutches.

Yes, there are some days I wish I was a cat.

And typing about Loki, I showed his histopathology report to someone. She said there were a lot of mights, maybes, could bes in it. IOWs they had no idea what the growth is. Just wait to see if it comes back.