Listening to the Voices in my Head

I knew it was bound to happen

And it did, last night.

We had our first feline interloper in our back yard last night. It walked around the back yard, unchallenged. Without the voice of Loki, Lord of the Manor, and his scent lessened, if not totally washed away by the recent rain, it was bound to happen.

I just didn't know it would be so soon.

It’s been too quiet

Loki's absence is truly felt. No snoring which could be heard from across the room. No rumbling purr. Even the kittens (who aren't really kittens anymore) aren't as vocal.  They keep looking for him. I know how they feel.

I have Loki's urn on my desk, slightly in the way of viewing my monitor, in keeping with how he would do so in life.

I miss my constant companion. I miss my left leg being warmed by him laying against it, resting his head on my shin. I miss shutting things down, and looking over to him and saying "I'm going to bed. You coming?" and him getting up and following me.

More that i miss:

His night time snuggling/cuddling.
Him head-butting my hand in the morning, followed by using his head to shove my sleep mask off.
Meowing and snogging my ear and nose to get me up in the morning.
Following me around for my daily walk outside.
Keeping me company when I did some gardening.

Loki, I will forever miss you in my life.

The Lord of the Manor has passed

Loki, my beautiful cat, has crossed the rainbow bridge. We took him to the vet this evening, in hopes that some antibiotics and pain meds would ease his discomfort for a little while longer, but alas, that wasn't meant to be.

The cancer had spread very rapidly and was now over the back of his tongue. It was only because I asked him that he ate yesterday. That was his last 'rally'. The sarcoma was not only infected by necrotic. All there would be left for Loki was slow, painful starvation. I made the decision, as much as my heart and soul screamed for me to take him home with me just for a few more days.

We were given a room. I combed him into blissful relaxation, and waved for the vet to enter when she ever so gently knocked.  The 'sleep' shot... it wasn't even halfway emptied and his head fell into my hand. I cupped it until the rest of it was injected. 

He has no more pain now, but I am shattered.  I want my imperious Lord of the Manor, on my desk, demanding to be brushed. 

If only love could actually have healed.

I did a bit of reading

I read that mini series on Apple+ was an Apple+ original.

I read what the mini series was and said Whohuhwha?

Said Apple+ Original was the same thing I had watched on Curiosity stream.

That's not very Apple+ original to me. How about you?

Loki is dying. Medication he's on is slowing the progression of the cancer.  But I did something stupid this morning.

I opened photo editing browser and began looking at his photos, starting from about 3 years ago. I was looking for anything that I might have missed, that I could have caught and had treated sooner before it became sarcoma.

I come across photos of him laying his head on my shin, and giving me a look of pure contentment, and I lost it. I remember how many times he would be upset that I had to get up and move. And also, how many times I would get annoyed.  He hasn't been doing it lately, and I miss it.  Then it hit me that I will soon be missing it forever.

Yeah, me, tough-assed bitch, falling apart over a cat. No, not just any cat, but my cat.

Loki is dying. Medication he's on is slowing the progression of the cancer.  But I did something stupid this morning.

I opened photo editing browser and began looking at his photos, starting from about 3 years ago. I was looking for anything that I might have missed, that I could have caught and had treated sooner before it became sarcoma.

I come across photos of him laying his head on my shin, and giving me a look of pure contentment, and I lost it. I remember how many times he would be upset that I had to get up and move. And also, how many times I would get annoyed.  He hasn't been doing it lately, and I miss it.  Then it hit me that I will soon be missing it forever.

Yeah, me, tough-assed bitch, falling apart over a cat. No, not just any cat, but my cat.

Loki is dying. Medication he's on is slowing the progression of the cancer.  But I did something stupid this morning.

I opened photo editing browser and began looking at his photos, starting from about 3 years ago. I was looking for anything that I might have missed, that I could have caught and had treated sooner before it became sarcoma.

I come across photos of him laying his head on my shin, and giving me a look of pure contentment, and I lost it. I remember how many times he would be upset that I had to get up and move. And also, how many times I would get annoyed.  He hasn't been doing it lately, and I miss it.  Then it hit me that I will soon be missing it forever.

Yeah, me, tough-assed bitch, falling apart over a cat. No, not just any cat, but my cat.

And the universe winds up, and throws another curveball

I can understand why I wasn't told earlier.  Seems my neighbors who were renting their house 'for a while' won't be coming back to Perth. There have already been realtors bugging Robin about letting someone have a walk through. I understand why, but hey, I am going to have a selfish moment and have a bit of a sob-fest.

I've lost all my friends in the U.S., I guess it's time for the ones in Australia to slowly fade away.

Pardon me, I will be the quivering ball of hopeless humanity in the corner.

You know those clothes you say

You'd never be caught dead in?  Well, I have some like that. More like had.  Been throwing them out bit by bit.  Been replacing them with thing I can actually wear. And wear out in public.

Al least I can say if I am caught dead in something I'm wearing, it will at least look good-ish

Isn't that just dandy

LiveJournal doesn't allow photo uploads to photostream via Semagic or Open Live Writer anymore.  And if you link a photograph in from a different blog, the colors are so washed out and dingy, they look like shit.

I can understand why a Russia owned blogging site will no longer allow uploads via 3rd party blogging software, but when I uploaded a photo to LJs photostream, and it turned out having the same washed out colors, it seems they don't want any photos uploaded?

Trance is gone.

Vet said it looks as if she had a new hemangiosarcoma mass in her liver that ruptured, and she bled internally. We were told this might happen, and we wouldn't know until it was too late. We didn't know. And it was too late.

Photo taken two days ago.

Rest in the arms of Bast.

I had to call South Street Vet.

Loki got a bit of food stuck on his back teeth, and bit down, biting his tongue. Yes, it bled.  Then I noticed he's sneezing, and checked him. Sure enough, the yearly sinus infection.

Dr M answered the phone, and I described what had happened, and thankfully, he understood my not wanting to stress Loki out any more than necessary.  Have new meds waiting for him.  

I know everything we're doing for him is in 'the short term', but at 16 years old, everything is in the short term.