Listening to the Voices in my Head

Pardon me if this post is a tad rambling

Or sort of incoherent.

Three days ago, my left calf, and behind my knee, and hamstring, and my annoying fused back started hurting a lot. I wasn't worried, because I had an upcoming visit with the physio, "Simon The Sadist" for a session.

To say my physio session rushed would be an understatement.  Yes, they were trying to clear up all clients before the up coming long holiday, and he, personally, was taking some time off. Good for him, but I felt I had been given the bums' rush. And I was charged $61 for the privilege.

Today, when I got up, I was in worse shape than I was BEFORE session. Tried to do some of my rehab exercises, and for all my efforts, I almost fell over, my knee kept giving out. I left comment on the "PhyApp" regarding it.. before I took something for the pain. Meds I haven't had to use October last year.

Yes, I hurt that f*cking much. With better living through (legal) chemistry, the acute pain is now just a dull ache. I can deal with that.

Left knee is hurting

A lot today. I can't keep from involuntarily crying out, or making noise behind my clamped shut lips. I don't know what's changed since yesterday, or from the past months, but today is the first time I have taken pain meds.

Part of me is relieved that pain relief is on its way, and another part of me is ashamed to have caved into it.

Oh wow.

I just came home from my appointment with Dr H. I told him about the Monday Mistake and my knee having no pain on Tuesday. I then old him about how I re-created the Monday Mistake, and had the same results the following day. I have been taking 300mg twice a day for the past two days, and have had no knee pain.

He said the almost instant relief of pain shows it is definitely neuropathic pain. I am now officially on 300mg capsules twice a day.

Dr H did tell me that I have to be careful not to over strain my leg, as the muscles and structures around it are weak from using a brace and crutches, but ya know something. I am just so jazzed by the fact that yes, it's not all in my head, it is neuropathic pain, and there is light at the end of the tunnel... and it's not New Jersey! ;)

I am going to experiment on myself.

Not going to take a chance with the seizure meds this time, but I'm holding off taking the morning nerve pain meds until later in the day. How much later will depend on how bad the nerves start jangling along the fasciotomy scar and the left knee.

If getting as close as I can to repeating what I did Monday evening today, Thursday, and get the same results on Friday, I'm going to have to have a serious discussions with GP and pain specialist. Because if it's the same under medicate me for years bullshit I had to put up with regarding hypothyroidism, I don't have another 20 years to wait for them to pull their thumbs out of their asses.

Being undermedicated?

I was quite sore from my out and about on Saturday and Sunday. Monday was hectic, and I ended up forgetting to take my morning meds (lorazepam, Lyrica, Duloxetine, and Celaxib) I didn't realize it until after dinner. Then it dawned on my why I was in so much pain all day.  So, I took my morning meds, stayed up late, and took the nighttime Lyrica. I skipped the night dose of lorazepam)

Went to bed, and woke up Tuesday morning, with leg a bit stiff.  I got up and walked around, and it took me about 10 minutes to realize my left knee, with the exception of my arthritis twinge I'm used to, had zero pain.  All day Tuesday, I was up and about doing things without pain.

Today is Wednesday...  and I have to say that my left knee feels better than it did Monday, but worse than it felt Tuesday.  This makes me want to try what accidentally happened Monday night again.  I also have a feeling I am being under medicated regarding the nerve pain.  Personally, I think taking 300mgs of Lyrica along with 60mgs of Duloxetine tackled the nerve pain.  Yes, I will be making appointment with my GP to find out about this. I'm also keeping a diary regarding pain levels.

Saw the Occupational Therapist Friday afternoon

And was shown (painfully) how I was standing and walking incorrectly. Ian apologised for it, but I told him not to worry, because it's like telling a child something is hot, they don't believe it until they touch something hot. I wouldn't have really understood what he was referring to regarding my knee and the rest of the leg.  I have been walking with my feet turned out, and I have to school myself to keep them pointing forward.  I was also sent home with a list of exercises to do.  I did them Saturday, and my left leg is quivering in protest. Oh, and did I mention it #%$%%@ HURTS! At least it's muscular, so maybe paracetamol will help, as it doesn't help with the nerve pain in the knee joint.

Ian also advised me to wear a knee brace to keep knee stable (no side to side movement) and to keep foot pointing forward, not turned out. He was happy to hear I had a couple of DonJoy's to use.

I have to retrain my leg to not have me walking like something from a zombie movie.

I still feel like a walking Pharmaceutical Experiment. And both Ian and Dr L said yes, have to find the right combination and dosage to quell the nerve pain. 

I feel like a walking pharmaceutical experiment

Been on the Duloxetine for a few weeks.  I saw GP last week, and I told him how it would wear off late in the afternoon, or early evening. Because of that, pain was getting up up at night.  Dr H suggest I go with a 60mg dose in the morning. Uhh, seeing how Dulox hammers me with nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, I made the suggest about taking 30mg in the morning, and 30 before I had off to bed.  This was amenable to Dr H. Tonight will be 2nd night taking Dulox before heading to bed.

Saw both psychiatrist and psychologist. Yes, I have depression. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts. I sometimes actually cried when I woke up, because I woke up. Be that as it may, I'm not doing anything that will prevent me from waking up.  Both have told me when I'm not being rocked with pain all the time, the depression should be alleviated.

Still hopeful.

Well, shit..

The osteo-surgeon who did my TRKR three years ago is retired from surgical practice, so he referred me to Dr C. to see what's to be done with my left knee.

I got some good news and some bad news.

Good news is I don't have to go under the knife. (insert muppet cheer here)

Goodish news is there is something to be don. Dr C. said yes, I do have mild arthritis in the knee, but the structure isn't in need of surgery.

However (here comes the bad news) the compression injury from Loki jumping on my knee, combined with the arthritis has cause acute nerve pain. Oral pain meds dull it slightly, but that stuff makes me groggy and fuzzy headed.

Treatment for the knee: rhizotomy. Injections around the front of the knee, under the kneecap, to sever/burn out the nerves. I asked him "If I can't feel pain, will I over do it and cause more damage?"  He said no.  So, my NEXT referral is to a pain management center/doctor.

I'm being referred, seen, referred, seen.. round and round. 

I keep putting on a smiling face

But right now, I have a bit of leaking around my eyelids. 

If someone has chronic pain, and they tell you it's ok... they hurt.

If someone has chronic pain, and says it's hurt, you can bet your bottom dollar it f**king hurts like hell.

I don't like taking pain killers. They make my head fuzzy and funny.  But today, I have had enough of it. I haven't slept in 3 nights, as I have had to try to sleep with the %#$$@ thigh to ankle scaffold.

I'm exhausted, depressed, and in a lot of pain.  NOT a good combination.